The Worst Rube Goldberg Ever

Just like everyone else, I’m a big fan of Rube Goldberg machines. They make me happy.

(A contraption, invention, device, or apparatus that is deliberately over-engineered to perform a simple task in a complicated fashion, usually including a chain reaction. ) 

When it comes to my body, negative chain reactions make me sad rather than happy. Now, I present my very own “Worst Rube Goldberg Ever.” 

STEP 1: Get sick with a very bad cold or mild flu for 3 weeks.
STEP 2: Upon healing from sickness, get really bad chest pressure and painful constant burping for the next 6 months (nothing over the counter for acid reflux or gas does anything to help).
STEP 3: Visit doctor and rule out anything serious including heart and gall bladder problems. No other symptoms to go on.
STEP 4: Three months later, visit gastroenterologist who is a jerk and decide not to listen to his advice for an endoscope. Begin prescription strength probiotics. They don’t work.
STEP 5: Visit 2nd gastroenterologist who decides it’s probably caused by bacteria in the upper intestines. Go on antibiotics with high hopes. Ignore more advice for an endoscope.
STEP 6: The antibiotics give extreme metal mouth. Discontinue use even though I know I shouldn’t stop a round of antibiotics in the middle of its course.
STEP 7: Ask doctor for an alternative antibiotic. No side effects, phew!
STEP 8: Chest pressure and painful burping continues. Go for a 2nd round of the same antibiotics.
STEP 9: Still not cured. 
STEP 10: Still trying to avoid an endoscope, decide to try a 3rd type of antibiotic. One that is $700 and makes me very sick for 10 days. 
STEP 11: Still. Not. Cured!
STEP 12: Decide to finally get an endoscope. Results: Acid Reflux even though I never had any burning or other typical symptoms and the over-the-counter stuff did nothing for me. Start taking prescription-strength meds.
STEP 13: Miserable for 2 weeks and now diagnosed with C-Diff from all of my antibiotic use. Did I mention misery?? 
STEP 14: Back on the metal mouth antibiotic. This time I finish the course.
STEP 15: Get very painful tendonitis and bursitis, exacerbated because of all the meds.
STEP 16: Get a steroid pack so I can walk at Disneyland.
STEP 17: The antibiotic/acid reflux/steroid cocktail gives me thrush in my mouth and throat. Prescribed anti-fungal.
STEP 18: 2nd round of anti-fungal after thrush returns.
STEP 19: C-diff returning? Will wait and see…
STEP 20: 15 months later and I’m STILL NOT CURED of my constant chest and gut pressure and painful burping!! One more prescription to try. 
STEP 21: Cry.
And the Worst Rube Goldberg ever continues…

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