Things Overheard When Trying a Female Urination Device

Pre-Ramble: If I see you in person and you skirt away from me with a sideways glance, I’ll understand.

For you un-enlightened folks who have never before heard of a FUD (female urination device), it’s basically a silicone funnel. Let me paint a scenario for you.

Imagine yourself as a female who likes to travel and hike. Imagine yourself also having a very overactive bladder after harboring 21 lbs of human bodies for over 2 years on top of your delicate, cushy plumbing (3 babies X 7 lbs each for 9 months X 3). Ok, I admit, that math is a little shady but is anyone actually going to argue with me about it? Didn’t think so.

Add the fact that two of those three babies are girls who have gotten older, also like to hike, and have overactive bladders themselves.

Remember, you are all now too old to pull your skivvies down around your ankles and squat in the great, wide-open outdoors (or filthy indoors) every 15 minutes when nature calls or, more accurately, sirens.

You’re also a fearful mom who has to hold up daughters while they hover two inches over the dirt and who, no matter how many times has practiced, inevitably gets peed on every time.

I’ve spared you an actual picture but it’s a pretty awesome mental picture, eh?

The proposed solution to the above problems comes in the form of a product called the Go Girl. Knowing we would be doing some long hikes last week, I grabbed one when I walked passed it at Walmart ($9.99).

I took it home and nervously opened it up and watched some (non-graphic!) how-to videos. The following quotes were overheard thereafter:

–After opening the package–

“Wow. That’s kinda weird.”
“That’s NEVER going to fit back into that tiny tube.”

“You should really practice in the toilet first.”

–After explaining it to my daughter and then she told my other daughter about it–

“…blank stare…”
“I am NOT going to use that!”

“Mom! {laughter} My sister told me we have to pee in this! {nervous laughter}”
“Never. Never. Never. I’m never ever going to pee in that. Ever. Never. Never.”

–While Hiking–

“Do you need to pee? Wanna use the Go Girl?” “NO.”
“Do you need to pee? Wanna use the Go Girl?” “NO.”
“Do you need to pee? Wanna use the Go Girl?” “NO.”
“Do you need to pee? Wanna use the Go Girl?” “NO.”

“Come on! Just try!”
“You are too old to have your butt and privates out in the open!”

“You’re lucky, dad! YOU have a built-in Go Girl!!”
“I’m just going to sit down in this freezing cold water and pee in front of everyone.”

“Ok, mom. I’ll try the Go Girl.”
“No. Never mind! I don’t want to! I don’t want to!!”

“Ok….I’ll try it.”
“No. I can’t! I can’t! I can’t do it! I can’t do it!”

“Ok. I can’t hold it any longer. I’m going to try it. No one watch. Turn the other way. Make sure no one is coming.”
“Hmmm. It’s working. Kind of.”
“EEWWW!! No it’s NOT!”
“Is someone coming??!!”
“It’s not funneling fast enough!!”
“I STILL got pee on myself!”
“Why don’t we have toilet paper??”
“NOW what do I do with this thing?? Just shove it into the backpack?!”
“It’s dripping everywhere!”

“You’ll just need to practice again.”
“NO. I don’t. I can go a very long time before trying that thing again.”

We tried. We failed. We just have to continue to hike with full bladders like civilized ladies.

PS. I’m sure we’d have more success with more practice along with carrying a ziploc baggie and baby wipes AND not waiting to use it until you have a very full bladder.

So keep those things in mind if you think you’d like to try a Go Girl.

And good luck.

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